In every relationship, there comes a time when anger rears its head. In most cases, a couple that has never been angry with each other is one in which one or both partners are not being fully present in the relationship. Whether or not anger comes up, it is certainly true that a couple that never has had a conflict is a couple that does not have a relationship.
Obviously ineffective ways of responding to the other person's anger include getting angry back, being defensive, blaming them, and blaming yourself. Because yelling back is an ineffective response, and because it is important that at least one of you "stay conscious," it is sometimes recommended that the best response to anger is to act more calm - lowering your voice, using gentle and soothing tones, etc. Think of the last time you were angry and the other person acted calm - did your anger increase or decrease?
Most of us actually get more angry when the other person is acting calm! Possibly this is because the calmness sends a signal of emotional disconnection, of the person being detached from the interaction, and hence as sense that they are not "getting" us. The calmer they get, the more angry we get. Finally they may say something like "I can't talk to you when you're so angry - calm down and then we'll talk." Of course this just increases your fury even more!
Of course, getting angry and yelling back is just as ineffective. The key is to stay calm, but respond with an energy that matches that of the angry one. Matching their energy sends the message that you are taking them and their feelings seriously. The words you use are most effective when they are "tracking words," but move more quickly than normal tracking. You might call it fast tracking. This means that you move very quickly to telling them "what they want" rather than going through the steps leading to "look up." In a sense, they have already "looked up" and are telling you what they want loud and clear.
It is nearly impossible to stay in the high-energy state in anger when you are being "gotten," when your "want" is being reflected with the same energy. After each response, there is almost no choice but to lower the energy a bit. And as the person starts to feel heard, the energy starts dropping until consciousness is achieved and they are in their heart.
Throughout all of this, it is important to keep them "okay" in your mind - and to keep yourself okay as well. It can be challenging to avoid being a target, so use of "I" is best avoided, if at all possible.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Coded Messages, and Decoding Them
It is not enough to hear what you said, I must hear the essence of what you message is, the underlying intent. If I stop at parroting or rephrasing, then I will nearly always miss the true meaning, and you will not truly feel heard. You may think that I have heard what you said, but you will not feel that you have really been understood.
Decoding your message does of course start with ensuring that I have heard what you said. However, to get the underlying message, I must allow you to go deeper. This means that even when I am reflecting back your words, I am doing it in such a way that helps you get in touch with your true meaning. In involves helping you stay in your heart, or moving to your heart.
The way is to focus all my attention and energy in you and the heart of your message, without allowing my head to disagree or my child-self to feel blamed. One way to do this is make sure that I only use the word "you" and never "I," "we," or "us." This serves to keep the focus on you and your message and not on me. That the standard active listening template "I hear you say that..." works against this principle. It directs your attention to what I have "heard" you you say, and not on whether what you are getting back from me does indeed match what your intent is. It moves you towards your head, since you need to analyze whether or not I "heard you say" what you said.
Another reason to move beyond the "what did you say" part is the fact that what you said may have little to do with the real message. Why you said it is even an more important component of your "real" message. For example, a couple is getting dressed to go out, and the wife says "You going to wear that shirt?" The "what" of what she said is an observation about which shirt he chose to wear, but the real message is between the lines. What she is really saying is more like "That shirt looks awful and I want you to change it."
It is not until your message is fully "decoded," understood by me, and understood (and verified) by you that I understand that it becomes "my turn" to speak. Often we go through the motions of "active listening" because we are silently just waiting for our turn to speak. This of course is not listening, and certainly not enhancing to the relationship. It signals that my need to speak is more important than my desire to hear what you have to say.
Decoding your message does of course start with ensuring that I have heard what you said. However, to get the underlying message, I must allow you to go deeper. This means that even when I am reflecting back your words, I am doing it in such a way that helps you get in touch with your true meaning. In involves helping you stay in your heart, or moving to your heart.
The way is to focus all my attention and energy in you and the heart of your message, without allowing my head to disagree or my child-self to feel blamed. One way to do this is make sure that I only use the word "you" and never "I," "we," or "us." This serves to keep the focus on you and your message and not on me. That the standard active listening template "I hear you say that..." works against this principle. It directs your attention to what I have "heard" you you say, and not on whether what you are getting back from me does indeed match what your intent is. It moves you towards your head, since you need to analyze whether or not I "heard you say" what you said.
Another reason to move beyond the "what did you say" part is the fact that what you said may have little to do with the real message. Why you said it is even an more important component of your "real" message. For example, a couple is getting dressed to go out, and the wife says "You going to wear that shirt?" The "what" of what she said is an observation about which shirt he chose to wear, but the real message is between the lines. What she is really saying is more like "That shirt looks awful and I want you to change it."
It is not until your message is fully "decoded," understood by me, and understood (and verified) by you that I understand that it becomes "my turn" to speak. Often we go through the motions of "active listening" because we are silently just waiting for our turn to speak. This of course is not listening, and certainly not enhancing to the relationship. It signals that my need to speak is more important than my desire to hear what you have to say.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Validating
Validating another person means acknowledging and accepting their right to feel what they feel and their right to have their opinions and beliefs. It doesn't mean agreeing with their opinions or beliefs. Feelings are always valid, because they are "neither right nor wrong." Feelings may be caused by beliefs that may be right or wrong - but the validity of a person's right to hold their beliefs has nothing to do with their objective factuality. Validating another person's thoughts and feelings, especially where there is a disagreement with them, greatly enhances communication and makes it more genuine.
This is especially important when there is negativity or criticism coming from the other person. If we validate them, the energy will drop and they will inevitably become more relaxed and open. If we resist or defend, the temperature will simply get higher. They will not feel heard, and often will repeat the same message, but with more energy. When someone is caught up in their negative feelings towards another, they are not sufficiently aware to truly hear what you want to say to them. So it is not a good time to set them straight or justify yourself. Once they feel heard and validated, then (and only then) are they in a place where they can hear what you have to say. Even if your message is that it is not okay to be spoken to that way, they cannot hear it in the midst of their high negative feelings.
This is especially important when there is negativity or criticism coming from the other person. If we validate them, the energy will drop and they will inevitably become more relaxed and open. If we resist or defend, the temperature will simply get higher. They will not feel heard, and often will repeat the same message, but with more energy. When someone is caught up in their negative feelings towards another, they are not sufficiently aware to truly hear what you want to say to them. So it is not a good time to set them straight or justify yourself. Once they feel heard and validated, then (and only then) are they in a place where they can hear what you have to say. Even if your message is that it is not okay to be spoken to that way, they cannot hear it in the midst of their high negative feelings.
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