Listening to Anger

In every relationship, there comes a time when anger rears its head. In most cases, a couple that has never been angry with each other is one in which one or both partners are not being fully present in the relationship. Whether or not anger comes up, it is certainly true that a couple that never has had a conflict is a couple that does not have a relationship.

Obviously ineffective ways of responding to the other person's anger include getting angry back, being defensive, blaming them, and blaming yourself. Because yelling back is an ineffective response, and because it is important that at least one of you "stay conscious," it is sometimes recommended that the best response to anger is to act more calm - lowering your voice, using gentle and soothing tones, etc. Think of the last time you were angry and the other person acted calm - did your anger increase or decrease?

Most of us actually get more angry when the other person is acting calm! Possibly this is because the calmness sends a signal of emotional disconnection, of the person being detached from the interaction, and hence as sense that they are not "getting" us. The calmer they get, the more angry we get. Finally they may say something like "I can't talk to you when you're so angry - calm down and then we'll talk." Of course this just increases your fury even more!

Of course, getting angry and yelling back is just as ineffective. The key is to stay calm, but respond with an energy that matches that of the angry one. Matching their energy sends the message that you are taking them and their feelings seriously. The words you use are most effective when they are "tracking words," but move more quickly than normal tracking. You might call it fast tracking. This means that you move very quickly to telling them "what they want" rather than going through the steps leading to "look up." In a sense, they have already "looked up" and are telling you what they want loud and clear.

It is nearly impossible to stay in the high-energy state in anger when you are being "gotten," when your "want" is being reflected with the same energy. After each response, there is almost no choice but to lower the energy a bit. And as the person starts to feel heard, the energy starts dropping until consciousness is achieved and they are in their heart.

Throughout all of this, it is important to keep them "okay" in your mind - and to keep yourself okay as well. It can be challenging to avoid being a target, so use of "I" is best avoided, if at all possible.